The Miserable, Messy lot of a Reluctant Foodie
Food Should be fun
If you are following my blog and waiting for stories and pictures of me whipping up sumptuous allergy/spoonie friendly food in my clean kitchen and designer clothes: I am sorry I have bad news…..
I hate cooking, I don’t much like eating, accept for other times when I adore eating. I usually hate eating after cooking; I’m all fooded out.
I would love to be one of those talented people that turns my health challenges into a new food empire. Move over Nigella, here is skinny tired me with dark rings under my eyes from making it out of bed …..oohing and aahing and making sex to my dairy free, meat free, carb free – breakfast burger.
It’s all about the right attitude
Just occasionally I psyche myself up and pretend I’m almost enjoying working with all these lovely ‘whole foods’. When one of these frenzies strikes me, I have been known to marinate tomorrows curry, bake tomorrows low carb breakfast ‘muffins’ as well as cook three different dinners (despite only being a house of three). I don’t think this has ever happened without wine or with managing to also clean up the kitchen afterwards. So, on the very rare occasion when I get up my mojo enough to plan a few meals ahead there is some sort of fall out or damage, to my liver, my sanity or my kitchen. I have also never achieved this where all the items that came out were edible. There are only so many ways you can try and make fruit muffins, without carbs, fruit, or sugar. Recently it was to the chorus of “Mum are you making your rubber muffins again – Do I have to eat them?”
So far today I have spent six hours thinking and blogging about food and related issues, in between peering in the fridge and cupboards and trying to work up some meal plans. All I have achieved is throwing out a range of expired items. I have also spent far too long staring into a bag of yellowish powdery stuff that I only purchased this week…wondering what the hell it is….bulk buy might be fashionable and on foodie trend – but is it wise?
This all sounds like I’m trying (badly) to be funny. I’m not, I swear, every word is true. I have the most insanely limited diet and need to prepare and cook from home to survive, so far it isn’t working out that well.
Of course be kind to yourself along the way.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not bashing myself up for this. I am giving myself the deepest empathy. Imagine being forced to be a foodie when you don’t like the mess and uncertainty that is cooking. When you don’t like the look, smell and texture of raw things – especially if they were once a bit sweet and cuddly.
Embrace your Inner Organic Earth Mother (IOEM)
I wanted to be the organic mother earth type; I even planted an orchard on a lifestyle block 10 years ago. Ok let’s be honest: I sat down with tea and gardening books and drew a map for my ex-husband to do the work. That should have been some sort of sign of things to come (both for husband and garden – I am no clairvoyant obviously).
I really saw myself bottling, pickling, growing. Gee I was making my own oils and herbs and the like (in my mind that is). I was amaaaazing. I still love that dream. I have not entirely let go of that dream. But my IOEM is not looking good – given I hate to cook, am terrified of bottling (you know germs and death stories and food poisoning), don’t even get me started on Kefir or Kombucha (you do know people have actually died right?).
Just make it look good
Then there is that perfectionist desire to have all these activities look like the post cards, a photo opportunity of fresh produce and beautiful ceramics on my designer benchtop. The reality is lumps of food on my floor and feet, stains down my bathrobe (working from home with chronic illness would do it to you too), and so much crap all over the bench that instead of cleaning I just get another chopping board out and rest it on top (to avoid all my own germs).
So there is my dream of me, all photo-shopped and perky and cooking up a storm and my reality: all stressed and peaky and cooking up inedible allergy friendly horrors.
If at first you do not succeed; maybe skydiving is just not your thing.
So now I turn this all uplifting …. if you too are suffering these challenges on your limited spoonie diet…. try cooking in bulk …. are you being funny? Tell someone who can’t walk to run a marathon – nice work moron.
I have a better idea start simple pour some wine into a glass, drink, easy…sit down ….better…you weren’t that hungry anyway.
So it isn’t happening: I am not that girl. I am not that girl that turned this trauma into an opportunity to be the new spoonie celebrity chef with my own “I quit all the good shit in life, that’s why I look anorexic, you can too” book/TV series/expensive branded merchandise.
Spoonie Recipes for Dummies
I do have good news: In my life I have foodies in my partner and my mother, so your hopes of spoonie friendly recipes might just get fulfilled. If I test cook them before posting they will genuinely be “Spoonie Recipes for Dummies”.
Watch this space ……
For now go carefully in the direction of your kitchen (send me photos please).
Yours as ever,
- The quote about skydiving is altered from one by Comedian, Steven Wright.
- A ‘Spoonie’ is someone who lives with chronic illness. Google it – you’ll be surprised what you’ll find.